Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
