i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
