it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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