My cat gives me a boner
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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