I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
