Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
