If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize