Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
