I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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