If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
