this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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