dude i'm inner monologue high
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im about as happy as oj after his trial
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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