how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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