Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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