She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my shit smells like andre
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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