You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
