and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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