A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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