just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
