if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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