Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
