Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
