i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
