my vag is so smooth its legendary
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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