Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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