Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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