i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So many bounce houses so little time
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
