I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My vagina is officially offended.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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