well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
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He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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