sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize