Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
