you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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