Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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