I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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