I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
