Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just had sex on a roof
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
