I'm so fucking centered right now
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
