That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
