You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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