my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
