im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm too high and old for this...
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