I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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