A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
