This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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