I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
