I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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