We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
