i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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