I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
