You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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