my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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