I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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