That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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