I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
