Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
