I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
