someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My bed smells like the plague
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
