I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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