Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
